write something to myself

when i am in the swimming pool, i recall the memories i ever drowned in the swimming pool in that time when i was little boy i think probably seven years old.

since i have the experience drowning, i almost couldn't go swimming because i fear i maybe drown again whatever in any swimming pool. 

i hate swimming just because that accident probably happens again. that thing still remain  in my heart. and today when i swim, i also recall another thing. i don't know i recall my cousin, who is my aunt's son, he usually bullied me whatever i got into their home or he got into my home. i hate the feeling when i was bullied that is very sad things to me because i don't know how to tell him '' fucking you don't bully me because i will beat you back '' so i still was bullied by that cousin.

and i remembered another cousin also bullied me. oh this is so fucking thing to me. it's so hard to say anything about my sadness in my heart you know, i even don't know i should tell someone the thing i guess i have never told someone i was ever bullied that things just because nobody ever taught me i should say something about my injuries whatever my body or my heart. just nobody tell me the important things, so i still can't do that, in that time i guess my heart ever broke and broke again just because i don't know how to beat back the fucking guy yeah the fucking guy i want to say again beat back the fucking guy.

just nobody taught me to deal with that, so the bullied things still lay in my heart. hahahahaha now i recall this and i can feel the pain you know it's difficult to bear that because i just accept the things happened again and again in front of me. you know the feeling ? it's very difficult to bear. Fucking two cousin boys

fucking you. fuck.

and then you know what. the things happen again in front of me when i got into junior school i feel like the plot of movie of the back to the future. if you have the courage to beat back, the same things will happen again.

so to the end i want to say what, i want to say it's awful to me only because  i can't kick the fucking guy's ass. i have bear the pain many years you know what i mean. i say only because i can't beat back other people when other people bully me. so so so the fucking thing just happened in my junior school and senior high school and even college. now when i recall inevitably the likely plot, it's very scary to me.      but now i have learnt how to beat back other guys when other guys want to bully me. i tell you will strongly beat back on my own and do my best to beat back, i don't want to experience the same fucking things again because that bad and negative memories had ruined and hurt my lives too much.

too much.

remaining thing i will tell you